Leek Slapping and Other Tales
by Omamori
Summary: This one's for you, CFF!  Have you ever wanted to punish Orpheus for what he did?  Well now you can read about all the wacky and wonderfull ways my friends and I have come up with.  These tales take place after Inkdeath.  Rated T for amusing violance.
1. Troll Pie

'**Leek-Slapping and Other Tales' is dedicated to everyone at Cornelia Funke Fans with all our, umm, interesting (For want of a better word) ideas of how to punish Orpheus. Enjoy!**

Troll Pie

Orpheus was fed up. He hadn't realised how hard it would be just to get over the mountains to the unwritten world beyond. He could see a town in the far distance, surrounded by castle walls, and wondered what sort of people lived there. He decided that he might as well head in that direction.

He didn't notice the group of bandits until it was too late, the jumped him from behind and he crashed to the floor, and was sure that those idiots had just broken his nose. They dragged him back to a pathetic little cave in the side of the mountain and tide him to a massive boulder in the corner. He looked around at the bare hole distastefully, noting the few possessions that these people owned. This was a far cry from the lap of luxury that he once lived in.

The bandits stripped him of all his belongings, but Ironstone had managed to hide himself in a little hole beneath the boulder and the Bandits had yet to notice him. The day was long and Orpheus sat watching the group of adults and children go through his belongings. He ground his teeth together as he watched them put their grubby fingers all over the scroll which held every scrap of information he had on these parts.

-0000-

Soon, though, a young boy of about seven came running in. "Quick!" He laughed. "There's another one of those idiots out there, strolling the hills, this one's from Shinsei!" _Shinsei?_ Wondered Orpheus. _Was that the name of the town he had seen from the mountain?_

The bandits looked at each other with glee and all of the men and boys ran out of the cave and along the mountain. One of the girls glanced at him with curiosity, but she was soon reprimanded by a cold faced woman in a grey and raggedy dress that looked like it had been expensive and plush once.

After a while the women got fidgety. "They should be back by now." One murmured. Glancing to the mouth of the cave, a worried expression on her face. "We should go out and find them."

"And leave the girls here? We'll have to take them with us."

"It's probably our prisoners fault, he must have had people following him!" His fault? _How dare they?_ But he knew that he wasn't going to convince them of this as the woman looked in his direction, cold fury on her face. "He must have angered Chichi. We have to offer Chichi a sacrifice!" _Chichi? Who, or what, was that? Hang on, did she say sacrifice? Oh nononononono!_

The women walked towards him purposefully. Ironstone scrambled out from his hiding place and Orpheus watched the little traitor run out of the cave mouth and out of sight.

Rough hands grabbed him and undid the rope binding him to the boulder and dragged him outside. "We must give him what he loves most! TROLLS! COME!" She cried. And a pair of stupid, lumbering, humanoid men came towards us. The woman in the grey dress held up and arrow and fired, striking the beast in its, as Orpheus guessed, its heart. It fell forward immediately and hit the ground with a thump that reverberated around the mountain. It gave a heartfelt roar as it hit the dirt. A sound that both chilled Orpheus to the bone, and made him sorry, for the first time in his life. But at least it wasn't him being the sacrifice. He thought as he sagged in the woman's arms, unconscious.

How wrong he was.

-0000-

Orpheus' eyes flickered open, it was dark, very dark, he could hear something moving beside him, it gave a small roar. The Troll!

The women looked down at their handiwork. The pie was covered in thick pastry decorated with vines and leaves by the young girls. _It's a perfect Troll Pie for Chichi! _Thought the woman in the grey dress. Then she thought about Orpheus.

"It's no more than you deserved. You should never have betrayed Ombria!"

**Yea, yea, I know it's a bit corny, but it was fun to right. Please review and enjoy. Chapter 2 will be up soon (I hope)**

**Shinsei – New Life**

**Chichi – Father**

– **They're Japanese, look them up.**


	2. Leek Slapping

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to my friend, Elizabeth, who started the conversation on punishing Orpheus with the first idea: Leek-Slapping. Thanks, Elizabeth, without you this wouldn't be possible!**

Leek-Slapping

Sophie sat on her bed, staring off into the distance. Inkdeath lay at her side and her eyes fell down to the tattered cover; she'd read it so many times the binding was coming undone and some sort of netting, or mesh, could be seen through*. Sophie stroked the cover absentmindedly, thinking about the last few chapters. She wondered what was over the hills that the sneak, Orpheus had headed to.

Slowly. Hopefully. She picked up the book and opened it to the bottom of page 681 and began to read:

"'Master, master! Have you heard?' The glass man, out of breath, was standing in the doorway. He was quick on his spidery legs, you had to give him that.

'Yes, I know, the Adderhead's dead! What about the Bluejay?'

'They're fighting. He and the Piper are fighting.'

'Aha. Well, perhaps Silver-Nose may run him through yet. That would at least be something.' Orpheus snatched up his things and stuffed them into the fine leather bag he had brought from Ombria: pens, parchment, even the empty inkwell, and of course the three books – Jacopo's, and the two about the Bluejay. He wasn't giving up yet, not he.

He picked up the glass man and put him in the pouch at his belt.

'What are you going to do, master?' asked Ironstone anxiously."

And so she read. Lines swirled over her tongue as they flew out of her mouth in sweet harmony of each other. Words come alive.

-0000-

"Northward to unwritten country. Yes, he thought as his feet, with difficulty, sought a way up the steep slope. Maybe that part of the world will obey my words."

No sooner had the words danced of Sophie's lips, a gust of wind blew through her bedroom. Leaves whirled across the floor and Sophie was sure that a couple of birds had suddenly stopped their tweeting.

She looked up at the sound of feet and her mouth fell open in astonishment; Orpheus was stood their gawking with Ironstone on his shoulder, just as surprised.

"Master? Where are we?" Ironstone's voice was jittery with fear. Orpheus made no attempt to reply.

Sophie smiled to herself. This was too good; her least favourite character stood in her bedroom. What could she do to punish him?

"Stay there for a minute, please." said Sophie sweetly, "I'll explain all this when I get back."

And with that, she ran down the stairs and to the kitchen, checking all her cupboards till she found something that made her smile. She hid it behind her carefully, so that neither Orpheus, nor Ironstone, would see what it was. She walked softly and carefully up the stairs, her parents were at some sort of meeting in Birmingham and her sister didn't come back from swimming till 9, it was all too good to be true.

"OK, I'm back." She sang as she opened up her door.

"You don't seem to be finding a glass man to be a little odd, do you now?" He scrutinized her and, with her free hand, Sophie gestured at Inkdeath.

"It's a pretty cool book, you're one of the leading villains in the second 2, the first one doesn't mention you." She looked at him carefully. "Didn't even think Silvertongues actually existed, it is pretty awesome. Would you mind coming over here a sec', Orpheus, you can leave Ironstone on my bed." Orpheus looked at her for a moment and then complied.

Sophie brought what she had been holding and slapped it across his face. Once. Twice. Three times she did it, smirking at the look of shock and horror on Orpheus' face as the wet leek made contact. His face flew from side to side and Sophie felt warm with satisfaction. His face was brilliant as she soaked it, making him look like a wet tomato.

-0000-

***Wondering how I know that? I've done it too. I really ought to get it fixed.**

**This is a little 'imagine yourself...' that I put on CFF, I think you might like it:**

**Imagine Orpheus stood in front of you in shock. You can feel a wet leek in your hands, held above your right shoulder. You swing it as hard as you can and Orpheus' head swings beautifully to the side as it makes contact, his eyes bulging in shock. You keep doing it from side to side, over and over again. And Orpheus' face gets satisfyingly redder and wetter with each strike.  
Now repeat in slow motion. *Sigh***

**Pretty please (with a cherry on top) review my corny tales, these are pretty awesome to right and I'm not done yet. MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Airi-n**


	3. Commentary 1

**Right, first I must apologise because I don't seem to be getting too many ideas (aka: no ideas) for this story, I am trying but I'm distracted by, umm, other fics, and before you ask, that's not an excuse, because if it was, it would be the lamest excuse I'd ever have the misfortune to come up with.**

**This commentary is dedicated to Radha24, because they're the only CFF to review, and's cool!**

**So... seeing as I'm out of ideas I thought I'd interview our no.1 most hated (but loved because we get to punish him) villain!**

Me: _So..._ Orpheus, what do you think of this so far?

Orpheus: ...

Me: Come on, you hate club wants to know how to punish you!

Orpheus: ...

Me: And your fan club needs to know what you're going through to be able to rescue you!

Orpheus: Well, where do I start?

Me: Wherever you want, dimbo!

Orpheus: Why I outta...!

Me: *pulls out the leeks* You wanna finish that sentence, sweety?

Orpheus: *mutters*

Me: Now we're all buddies again, let's get down to business!

Orpheus: I can't believe you've managed to pull 2 reviews...

Me: Well, I was hoping for more but 2 are still AWESOME!

Orpheus: This is gonna be a loooong interview...

Me: So... hello Hanban915 and thank you for the first review! I'm so glad you liked!

Orpheus: How people can like you being mean to a lovely bloke like me is unfathomable...

Me: *ignores tactically* and HI RADHA24!

Orpheus: *grumble* I'm gonna sue you.

Me: A fictional character suing someone, this I gotta see!

Orpheus: *growl*

Me: You know, you're gonna regret that comment, you gave me an idea (finally). *Halo appears over head*

Orpheus: What-why-who-where? I TAKE IT BACK!

Me: Too late now, sunshine!

Orpheus: Do you hate me? *tears spring forth*

Me: Yes. To any of you Orpheus fans out there, sorry but it's my opinion and you have to admit, leek-slapping him was amusing :)

Orpheus: IT WAS CRUEL, UNEXPECTED, AND DISGUSTING-

Me: And don't forget wet, the leeks were wet.

Orpheus: AND WET!

Me: It was fun.

Orpheus: And you turned me into troll pie.

Me: Technically you weren't actually troll pie, you were _in_ a troll pie.

Orpheus: YOU LITTLE-

Me: I'd be very careful about what you're about to say, my dear.

Orpheus: Why?

Me: Because I'm the author.

Orpheus: What's that got to do with anything?

Me: If I'm the author, I can make more bad things happen to you, love.

Orpheus: Ah...

Me: Well, folks, it seems that this interview has run out of time.

Orpheus: Thank god.

Me: See you next time, and don't forget the leeks!


	4. Court Lies

**I was planning to only dedicate these to CFF people, but Hanban915's comment was just too funny. So I have to dedicate this to you, Hanban915!**

**I have found my little commentary has given me a nice little idea...  
Orpheus: Grrrrrrrr!**

Court Lies

"We are here about the crimes of Orpheus. Do you plead guilty?"

"No, I didn't do nothin'!"

"I didn't do _anything_, you just admitted to the crimes, idiot!"

"I mean, I didn't do _anything!_"

Judge Michael Bostron sighed; this was going to be a long afternoon. Orpheus had been brought in a couple of weeks ago, and somehow he had bribed Michael's higher ups to let him to put his trial forward, which meant his opposition hadn't had nearly enough time to prepare.

A young woman stood up, Orpheus' opposition. Michael felt sorry for the young girl, she looked stressed, and he wasn't surprised, she'd probably been working non-stop.

The young woman, Catherine, was quite tall, about five foot eight, with frizzy auburn/brown hair which went just past her shoulders. Her eyes where dark brown, so dark in fact that they looked nearly black, her face was quite thin but her loose hair frizzing out gave the illusion that it was wider than it actually was. Cat was angry, Michael could tell, because when she was angry her eyes went slightly redder, that dark brown going to a dark auburn colour, Michael was sure she was angry because the trial had been put forward, she didn't have any personal problem's that he knew of so what else could it be?

Catherine began to pace and Michael took note her outfit. She was wearing a toga style beige dress with a black belt across her middle. She had a black, leather jacket which, oddly, seemed to go with the dress. The bottom of her dress reached her knee, and where it ended, her black, heeled boots started.

Catherine looked over at Orpheus, disgust clearly written on her face.

"Do you deny the attempted murder of the Bluejay, using the white women, and tampering with the story Inkheart?"

"Yes."

"Then explain why I have about a hundred witnesses between your charges."

"They obviously don't like me!"

"Well, who would like a murderer and a traitor like you?"

"Hmph!"

-0000-

"That concludes my evidence and witnesses."

_Finally,_ thought Michael. Though it had been early afternoon when Catherine had started, it was now late evening, about ten at night. Michael was surprised that she had managed to get so much together.

-0000-

"Right, well, Orpheus, I hereby call you _Guilty-_"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm innocent, I say, Innoc-"

"If you'll let me finish. You punishment is six-month imprisonment, and 3 months after working in the jail kitchens making Leek stew."

"No, not leeks, please, not the leeks!"

"Court adjourned"

**That's possibly the corniest yet, but hey, it's fun!  
I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are welcome, but the only flames I want are the hot ones that you use in the science lab and melt test tubes with (I turned one into an L shape once, heehee).  
In case you're wondering where the description of Catherine comes from, I decided to describe me, though my names not Catherine And yes, my eyes go auburn when I'm angry, I have one awesome glare!**


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